Zoubek Ready for UNC Game
Swears that patchy beard will have grown in by then
Zoubek’s beard has been going for 27 weeks now, and it’s super close to growing in.
Staff Writer Steve Wojciechowski
DURHAM, NC: Brian Zoubek is pumped for next week’s UNC game, mostly because his friends have told him his beard is certain to have grown in by game time. “I can’t wait until this big, studly beard is fully grown in. All the guys in my house have promised me that once I get this beard all the way grown, I’ll be sure to get grass on the infield, too. It’s a double win!”
Coach Mike Krzyzewski supported his big man. “I don’t know what you’re asking about. Brian’s got a big, tough beard going there. In fact, our big man coach, Steve Wojciechowski has confirmed that Brian’s beard is the toughest thing he’s ever seen. Oddly enough, Wojo also insists that it’s soft like cotton balls. Obviously, Wojo is really good at coaching big guys and he knows what’s tough, based on our awesome post talent the last five years, like Josh McRoberts, Shavlik Randolph, and Lance Thomas. Pay no attention to the fact that Wojo is 4 foot 7 inches tall and cries during Rudy.”
Talking with Zoubek’s roommate, Joseph Weatherford IV, he conceded that the
other guys in Zoubek’s apartment have encouraged him to grow the beard.
“Yeah, we told him chicks would totally dig a beard. What I don’t
understand is how Zoub has grown an eighth of an inch of bearded patches on
three spots of his face, and still manage to have his face smell like moldy
pizza. The joke’s really been on us.”
First Zoubek tried to take charges with his upper body. That didn’t work, so Coach K suggested a new area of focus.
Another reason Zoubek is excited about the UNC game is that he always plays his best against the Heels, and he’s been working on his technique for taking charges. He really wants to add to the 8 points he’s scored in 3 years against Carolina, and he’s focused on getting charges, like the one he tried to get from Ed Davis last year. Instead of getting the charge, his groin provided a mean foot-pad for Davis, but he’s almost perfected his defensive technique. Brian Zoubek will be known nationwide for his ability to take abuse to the groin once he figures out how to best take a charge straight to the crotch. Zoubek is more ready than ever to take feet, knees, elbows, or players’ shoulders, straight to the groin. Like a magnet.
No one takes a foot to the crotch like Brian Zoubek. Or a head, knee, elbow, or sledge hammer, to the crotch like Zoubek.
Zoubek: “Coach said I did real good, but this year I’m going to wear a protective cup. Our trainers didn’t have any, but for some reason, the Duke Field Hockey team had a few spares for me. They gave me one of their size ‘small’ protectors. I had to tighten the waist by a few feet, but I got it to fit on me. Ed Davis’ feet, knees, and elbows better watch out, cause my groin is getting that charge called this year!”
Seriously, you need to watch this video. Over and over.
The Chronicle Staff writer Steve Wojciechowski was a ‘basketball’ player for Duke University from 1994-1998. Today he mops sweat for the basketball team, writes for The Chronicle, and sings upon request for various Duke students while they dress him up in the costume of their preference, usually an Oompa Loompa. He can be found on Friday nights at The Sirens Lounge where the Field Hockey team uses him for dwarf tossing contests, or in Cameron Indoor Stadium preparing an office for JJ Redick after his failed NBA career.